I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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