we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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