It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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