My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
