Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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