mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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