Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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