Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
