Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
