remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
