Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
