I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
