Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
