last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
