If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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