I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
