i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize