so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
