i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
