i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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