im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
