Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
