yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
