Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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