He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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