dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
