Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
