I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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