So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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