I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
