A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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