i jhust puked up my retainher.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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