just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
