I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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