my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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