I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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