So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
