I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
