I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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