Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
