Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
