My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize