Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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