So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
