i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I should be sponsored by Trojan
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize