My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
