i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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