I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
