I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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