Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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