so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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