why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
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