He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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