she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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