Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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