jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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