I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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