there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
