dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
