i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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