Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize