i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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