Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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